Unlearning People Pleasing: How To Set Healthy Boundaries
Toxic Productivity is the culture of being an overachiever who is constantly adding more to their plate so that they feel worthy.
This go, go, go vibe is unhealthy and disheartening as an entrepreneur when we know that there's already so much for us to do.
So for the next few weeks, I'm going to be dismantling a bad productivity habit that you may have so that you can live a more balanced and more productive life.
This week: People Pleasing
A people pleaser is a person who puts others’ needs ahead of their own; this type of person is highly attuned to others and often is seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind. But people-pleasers can also have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to harmful patterns of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
Ways People pleasing could be showing up in your life
>Always telling people that you're sorry just for existing, for taking up space?
> Are you worried that if you say no, people will think you're mean or selfish?
> Being preoccupied with what other people think of you.
> Feeling guilty when you do tell people no
> Agreeing to do things you don't like or things you don't want to do because you don't want to rock the boat
> You struggle with low self-esteem
> You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval
> You take the blame for others even when it's not your fault
> You probably don't have free time because you're always doing things for other people, and therefore you neglect your own needs in order to do those things for others,
> You pretend to agree with people, even though you feel differently, because you don't want them to dislike you.
So a few examples of how this showed up for me and how I started recognizing some of these behaviors is that I was cleaning out my inbox from college, and I kept seeing these emails of me saying, sorry for the delay. And when I looked at how long it was before I responded to that email, it was maybe a few hours, maybe.
And I thought about that-was I really sorry that it took a couple hours to respond to someone's email? Would I have been upset if a fellow overwhelmed college student took a few hours to respond to an email from me? Absolutely not. So why was I typing it every single time?
Another example for me personally is volunteering. Now there are so many reasons to volunteer. But I did the most when it came to volunteering, because I thought people would think I was selfish if I didn't give up the time I had to help others. I didn't want to appear lazy or that I wasn't using my time well to serve.
And so while I enjoy volunteering, if you're doing so to win other people’s approval or to shore up your own self esteem, you're doing so at the risk of your emotional well being, and that can have some serious consequences.
More ways to spot this in your life
> Having a really low or deleted or depleted willpower because you're spending all of your mental resources on others.
> You may also lack a sense of authenticity because you're consistently hiding your own needs and preferences to accommodate others, and therefore people don't get to see the real you.
Steps you can take to start building boundaries around your emotional and mental wellbeing
Get in the habit of looking through your correspondence and see where you're being overly apologetic for no reason. You're teaching people that they should expect a response from you faster and highlighting and pointing out how long your response took when they were probably not respecting a response any faster than what you gave them anyway!
Tell others how much time you have before you start an interaction.
Don’t over-explain your “no.” We've all heard that no is a complete sentence. That's a stretch for a lot of people. I can really appreciate that. I struggle with that too. But you don't need to over-explain. You don't need to say, Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm unavailable at that time. I actually have to bring my dog to the vet, or I have another call with a client who's really etc…You don't need to over-explain any of it. You just say I'm unavailable at that time, or I can't help you with that right now.
Prepare responses that make you feel comfortable.
Start expressing your opinion. It's actually going to help drive that conversation forward. It's going to help your team make decisions. It's going to help you start getting what you actually want out of the situation. Your opinion is helpful. Always remember that.
Remember your goals and your priorities. A yes to something is a no to something else. We only have so much time in the day. So what is the cost of saying yes? I used to, again, especially with volunteering, I gave up a lot of time with my partner to do all that.
Make sure that you're giving yourself a lot of positive self-talk and some affirmations every day that you can repeat to yourself.
When it comes to making decisions, stall for time. Anytime you can give yourself a pause, it allows you to make a better decision.
Don't assume everyone is taking advantage of you, but also assess the request. There may be some people who are just genuinely asking because they are really excited to be a part of your community or they love your expertise and would love for you to come talk to their group to be on their podcast. But some of them are going to be trying to take advantage of the fact that you always say yes, and a lot of that is going to be a real draw on your time.
A Note To You If You’re Struggling With This
People who identify as people-pleasers or have people-pleasing tendencies are often highly empathetic, and they're thoughtful, and they're caring.
They are people with really good hearts who are trying to do the right thing.
Be you. I'm proud of you. I love you exactly the way you are.
I hope these tools, resources, and practical strategies help you be less stressed, less exhausted, and less overwhelmed so you get to enjoy more of what makes you happy.
Free Resources For You
Grab Chelsey’s free guide on How To Create Your Ideal Day
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation call with Chelsey so that you can create a booked-out business without burnout.
Connect with Chelsey Newmyer
Website: https://chelseynewmyer.com/
Instagram: @chelseyncoaching
